


By Your Side

by honorarystar



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Broken Bucky Barnes, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-14
Updated: 2015-01-14
Packaged: 2018-03-07 14:29:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3176060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honorarystar/pseuds/honorarystar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I feel like I need something to hold on to. To keep me calm,” Bucky spoke so quietly Steve wanted to move closer so he didn’t miss a single sound, “I was hoping I could hold onto you.”</p><p>Steve nodded so hard he felt his neck pop as Bucky slipped his gloved hand into Steve’s and held on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By Your Side

Steve has Bucky back. Bucky has Steve back. They are together. They are fine. Everything is fine. So why the hell is Bucky so scared every time he looks at Steve?

* * *

 

           

            They get to live together now, in the Avenger’s Tower, which Bucky is grateful for. He wouldn’t have blamed the others if they didn’t feel comfortable with a brain washed ex-assassin sleeping in the same building as them, but Steve says that that’s actually not the worst thing they’ve probably all dealt with. Natasha’s an ex-assassin. Clint was under Loki’s mind control. Bruce knows better than anyone what it’s like to be out of their mind. They’ve all done some things and seen some things and Steve thinks it’s okay, and Bucky trusts Steve.

            It took him a while to agree to leave the safety (mostly everyone’s safety _from_ him) of the medical ward at the new S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, but after a few months of Steve visiting (practically living there too) he convinced Bucky that his floor of the Avenger’s Tower might be more comfortable for both of them. Bucky went because Steve wanted him too, and Bucky trusts Steve.

            When Steve first brought Bucky back, he tried to keep the others away, thought that it would be better to let Bucky adjust to being out and free and a real person in the real world again slowly.

            Steve probably should have known better than that.

            Natasha was the first to find a way into Steve’s floor of the tower (Tony was the first to try and fail and Clint was the first to get caught outside the window and thrown out by Steve). Steve had been in the kitchen and Bucky was coming out of the bathroom when he froze and stared at the couch with wide eyes. Steve could see Bucky was nervous, almost panicked, so he ran into the living room to find Nat sitting there reading a magazine.

            “Tony designed this place and can’t find a way around his own security,” she said without looking up, “At least one of us is still good at getting where we want to go.” She smiled at Steve and tossed the magazine onto the coffee table. She crossed the room to stand right in front of Bucky and Steve was terrified. Bucky wasn’t ready to meet people, not people that he might remember trying to kill. Steve looked at him and found that his best friend was staring back at him, like he wanted Steve to tell him what to do. This was a common thing, Bucky liked having directions and people giving him orders and reassurance so he knows he’s not doing anything wrong, but Steve’s heart was breaking a little (more) because Bucky looked like he was about to cry, piss himself, or fall on the ground and wait for a beating and Steve hates it so much.

            Natasha stuck her right hand out in front of him and looked at his face. Bucky glanced at it once and back at Steve, waiting. Steve nodded at him silently. Bucky turned away to look Natasha in the eyes for the first time and gripped her right hand with his right one, his flesh one. Steve gave her a mental pat on the back for that. She knew what she was doing. She didn’t make him use his metal arm. He didn’t have to touch her with it.

            “Nice to meet you. We’re glad you’re here with him.”

            Bucky’s eyes softened a little and he definitely looked less scared.

            She walked directly to the elevator without another word. She shared a look with Steve before the doors closed and he gave her a nod, a silent thanks, and she gave him a smirk.

Steve turned to look at Bucky again and they just stared at each other for a little while. Silent communication was very prevalent for the two. Talking to Bucky at any volume always sounded too loud. Maybe because Bucky didn’t talk back, Steve has trouble remembering what his voice sounds like. So looking at each other and vague head shaking was what they relied on. They knew each other well enough by now that it at least works for them.

* * *

 

 

When Natasha got to the main floor she found Clint, Tony, Bruce, Sam, the twins, and Thor all sitting together at the table. When she walked through the doors they all looked at her expectantly. She strode over to lean on Clint’s shoulder with an elbow and smirked at all of them.

“Don’t look so proud, not all of us are ex-KGB,” Tony rolled his eyes.

“How was it? What’s he like?” Bruce asked with a concerned look in his eyes.

“Fine,” Nat began, “Different than I expected. He’s definitely not the person we fought on the bridge,” she locked eyes with Sam, remembering their first encounter with the Winter Soldier together, “He saw me and just froze, like he was genuinely terrified of me. Of some strange woman sitting on Steve’s couch. I couldn’t tell if he remembered me or not.”

Clint gave her hand a squeeze and kept his eyes on her lips as she spoke.

“So he didn’t go on the attack like I had my money on?” Tony couldn’t help but be a little disappointed.

“No, it was more like he was waiting for someone to attack him, and I don’t think he was planning on fighting back,” she said a little solemnly.

After a pause Sam asked, “What did Steve do? How did they act with each other?”

“Steve came charging in when he saw that look on Bucky’s face like he was going to put Bucky behind him and take out anything that looked at him wrong. The moment Steve came in the room, Bucky had his eyes on him and did not look away. When I tried to shake his hand- no not the metal one, Stark- it was like he was looking at Steve for advice. The two of them speak without words, like they can read each other’s minds and I don’t know if that’s the soldier part of him or the spy part.”

“I think it’s just a Steve part,” Sam said quietly.

* * *

 

 

They didn’t touch each other a lot at first. Tried not to at all while Bucky was in the hospital. Steve had to actively keep himself from reaching out to hold his hand or just to lead him by the arm somewhere. It was something that he would have been able to do and more back in 1944 without a second thought, but now it feels like there’s a wall between them. Bucky is right in front of him, but Steve feels like it might not be real yet, like he’s going to wake up all over again in that fake hospital room and Bucky will still be dead.

The first time he does touch Bucky is after about one week of living together. They had separate bedrooms. Steve missed sharing a room with him too. And a bed. And Steve had been warned by the doctors that Bucky was still likely to have night mares or even manic episodes. They had been trying to treat him like they would any soldier suffering from PTSD and Steve had seen some really shitty stuff happen to the guys he used to serve with. When he first rescued Bucky from Zola he had been fine. But this had been something else entirely. Bucky had been tortured physically and mentally for decades, getting taken on and off the ice and having his memory wiped so many times is something Steve can’t imagine and wishes that Bucky wasn’t able to either.

When Bucky was in the hospital Steve had fallen asleep in the chair next to Bucky’s bed a few times. But one time he was woken up by Bucky _actually making noise._ Bucky didn’t make noise. Ever. So Steve was quite alarmed when he came to and saw Bucky thrashing around on the bed. His face was red and the veins on his neck and arm were standing out dramatically. He started screaming and whining and Steve grabbed onto his shoulder to keep him from moving as much as he could. The doctors had to be on their way, there were security cameras observing Bucky every minute at every angle.

Bucky was strong, especially his metal arm, and started twisting out of Steve’s grip. He was kicking and scratching Steve. The doctors charged in at the exact moment that Bucky had started to scratch and tear at his flesh arm with his metal fingers. Steve held him down as much he could as the doctors were rushing around, one stuck a needle in his leg, and Bucky calmed down and whined quietly. An IV was stuck to the inside of his elbow and Steve stepped away from the bed.

Steve was breathing heavier than he used to when he got asthma attacks. Bucky used to help him through those. He fisted his hands in his hair and stared down at the bed where Bucky was sleeping and people were poking and prodding at him. Steve wanted to pick him up and take him somewhere, anywhere, but he knew that this was the best place for him. This was where Bucky could become Bucky again.

That was Steve’s first experience with Bucky’s nightmares. He never wanted it to happen again but there was no way around it. Any sleep medication or even anxiety and antidepressants couldn’t be used on neither Bucky nor Steve because of how fast their bodies burn it up without it constantly streaming right into their veins. So Bucky had to suffer through it and Steve had to watch.

Usually there was nothing he could do. The doctors told him, when he first suggested bringing Bucky to live with him, that all he could really do was to put something like a belt in his mouth to keep him from biting his own tongue off, and to keep him restrained so he doesn’t hurt himself, and then they just have to wait it out.

Steve realized afterwards that he was not as prepared as he should have been.

Things had kind of gotten slightly more normalish after a week. They ate meals together (silently), sat together (silently), read (silently), Steve would draw (silently), and they even watched TV together (the only noise they ever got). Steve was careful about what he put on the TV because he was so afraid of triggering Bucky in those first few weeks. Mostly they watched old black and white movies, some Disney movies they had missed, and even romantic comedies. Tony thought that they would “help the geezers acclimate to modern society”.

One night while they were watching the _Lion King_ Bucky had fallen asleep on the couch. Steve looked over and noticed him leaning his head on the arm of the sofa with his feet stretched out so they were almost touching Steve’s thigh. Almost. Bucky had a very calm look on his face and Steve was mesmerized. He could never just stare at Bucky while he was awake. He got plenty of time when he was camping in Bucky’s hospital room and Bucky was still unconscious but they were always being watched there. At this moment they were alone and Bucky looked beautiful wearing Steve’s sweats with his still long hair in a bun with the flickering light of the TV on his face, sleeping on Steve’s couch.

And then Bucky twitched.

Steve almost thought that he had woken up but no, his eyes were definitely closed as he cried out. His entire body jerked and he tried to curl into himself, using one arm to wave and swing at anything near him and the other to cover his face. Steve fell off the couch in surprise and tried to crawl over to Bucky without getting hit or kicked until he realized he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t have anything to restrain him with and he was afraid of what would happen if he woke Bucky up, that could be dangerous for both of them. But Steve knew that this is what he signed up for when he wanted to take Bucky home. There were no doctors here to help, just Steve.

He looked at his best friend helplessly and watched him writhe around on the couch. He was close enough that he could hear what Bucky was saying in his sleep.

“Bitte. Por favor. Pozhaluysta. Please. Quaeso. Onegaishimasu.”

Steve stood up and got on the couch over Bucky. He wrapped his arms around Bucky’s arms so he couldn’t move them from his chest and wrapped his legs around Bucky’s to stop the kicking. Bucky was visibly shaking and his whole body was jerking in aborted movements for the next ten minutes while they just stayed there like that. Steve refused to let go and just buried his face in Bucky’s shoulder and shut his eyes. Bucky started crying and stopped shaking so much. Steve squeezed him tighter.

Steve couldn’t be sure if he was just hearing what he wanted to hear or if this actually happened but he could have sworn he heard Bucky whisper his name before he was calm enough that Steve let him go before he woke up.

* * *

 

 

After about a month the touching started. Like, actual casual touches. Steve never initiated anything, never wanting to upset Bucky, so when Bucky actually started it himself, Steve was over the moon. It started with them watching TV. They were watching _I Love Lucy_ (it made Bucky smile once so Steve keeps turning it on) and Bucky had gotten up to get something to drink. When he came back he sat by Steve on the couch. Not on the other side of the couch like they normally do, but right next to him so they were _touching_ from their thighs to their shoulders.

Steve could feel how fast his heart was pounding, the urge to touch Bucky, just to rest his hand on his leg or put his arm around his shoulders, had never been so overwhelming. But he didn’t. This was Bucky. They would do this at Bucky’s pace. However he wanted.

It didn’t stop Steve from grinning like an idiot for the next hour.

* * *

 

 

A little while after the couch event is when Steve takes Bucky out of their house for the first time. Steve hadn’t even left the apartment in a month. He refused to leave Bucky. He talked on the phone to Phil and Nick and the other Avengers and Nat came to visit a few times but as far as human contact outside of Bucky goes, that’s it.

Bucky seemed very nervous about leaving and Steve told him more than once that they could wait, they didn’t have to go yet, they had plenty of time, but every time Bucky would just shake his head firmly.

Bucky also seemed to put a lot of thought into what he was wearing. Both of them had been wearing sweats and occasionally underwear for a month. Steve wore his usual jeans, t-shirt, and jacket. Bucky came out of his room wearing jeans, boots, a white t-shirt, and a leather jacket. Steve also noticed that Bucky was wearing a beanie with all his hair tucked inside and a glove on his left hand.

When Steve looked at the glove and back up at Bucky’s face Bucky clenched his fist at his side and got a determined (if a little grumpy) look on his face like there was no way Steve was going to talk him out of it. Steve shrugged agreeably and gestured towards the elevator.

The doors closed on their little fortress and they began their journey down. Bucky was practically bouncing up and down and Steve could feel his nervousness radiating off of him.

“It’s gonna be fine, Buck, I promise,” Steve smiled.

Bucky stared at him with these big eyes that got Steve’s heart to melt every time he looked. He opened his mouth and Steve was so surprised he’s honestly surprised he held it together.

“I feel like I need something to hold on to. To keep me calm,” Bucky spoke so quietly Steve wanted to move closer so he didn’t miss a single sound, “I was hoping I could hold onto you.”

Steve nodded so hard he felt his neck pop as Bucky slipped his gloved hand into Steve’s and held on.

The elevator doors opened and they stepped out to find all the Avengers sitting around “casually”. What a surprise.

Tentatively, they all looked up and Bucky squeezed Steve’s hand tightly. Steve was starting to question how safe it was to hold Bucky’s cybernetic hand, but he just gave Bucky a squeeze back.

Steve smiled and waved awkwardly. He led Bucky forward so they could sit on one of the empty couches together. It was pretty quiet and this is coming from a guy who had been living in silence for a month.

“We’re getting pizza delivered. You guys want to join us?” Sam asked.

Steve looked at Bucky before he answered, getting a barely perceptible nod as confirmation.

“Sure.” Steve grinned. He was happy. This was good. They were down stairs. He was holding Bucky’s hand and didn’t plan on letting go anytime soon.

* * *

 

 

Throughout the night Steve held Bucky’s hand unfailingly. Bucky seemed more scared than ever when the pizza got there and the others kind of relaxed. Because guess what? The Avengers are _loud_. They act like teenagers and have no boundaries with each other. They are rude and obnoxious and Steve loves them. Most of the time. So he held on to Bucky like their lives depended on it.

Bucky was a quiet observer while they ate which made it possible for Steve to notice some things.

First: Every time Tony made a snide remark about Steve, Bucky frowned or even glared.

Second: He loved to watch Clint. He was entranced by the way that Clint read lips.

Third: He liked it when Bruce talked. He paid very close attention.

Fourth: He was only comfortable sitting between Steve and Natasha.

Fifth: By the end of the night Bucky had moved his chair so close to Steve’s that they were practically sharing one seat.

* * *

 

 

After that night Steve and Bucky left their floor more. They walked around the tower and went to Bruce and Tony’s lab. They went to the training room for a little while and saw Nat and Clint but they stayed away from the firing range.

When they made their first trip outside the tower they went to the park and got ice cream.

After a while Bucky was able to go places without holding onto Steve (although he still did if there was crowd or too many loud noises) and eventually started wandering around without Steve all together.

He stuck with Bruce, Nat, or Clint, never went anywhere by himself. Not yet.

He started to talk more. Could have entire conversations with Steve. The most noise he made with everyone else was to laugh at Clint and Natasha. He thought they were hilarious for some reason.

There was a bad storm one night, Steve could hear the wind and rain hitting his windows. It was so loud he couldn’t get to sleep.

He heard the door to his room open, he rolled over and saw Bucky’s dark figure standing in the door way, sleepily rubbing at one of his eyes.

“Hey, Buck, did the thunder wake you up?” Steve asked in a rather scratchy voice.

Bucky nodded and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He stumbled over to Steve’s bed and climbed under the blankets, rolling over to wrap his arms around Steve’s torso. He buried his face in Steve’s neck and sighed.

Steve tried not to move. He felt like Bucky was like a cat that you have to let come to you because if you try too hard or touch them too much too fast they run away. Steve slowly placed one arm around Bucky’s shoulders to pull him closer and stroked his hair with the other. Steve thought he heard Bucky whispering against his skin, but he was suddenly too warm and happy and content to strain his hearing. He’s pretty sure they both fell asleep after that despite the storm outside.

* * *

 

 

Bucky woke up before Steve the next morning. He was laying on top of Steve’s well-muscled torso, his face next to Steve’s chest. Bucky just stared at him. He knew Steve used to do this when Bucky was sleeping in the hospital. Literally everyone told him about it. And now he was finally getting his turn, and he could do this all day. It was early and there was a cool, gray light leaking through the window.

Bucky couldn’t help but feel safe here. He was with Steve again, how could he not? He decided a while ago that he never wants to spend another day without seeing him. They spent 70 years apart, they don’t need to waste any more time. But at the same time, when he looks at Steve, and even more when Steve looks back at him, he can feel his heart hurt. Steve should be dead. They both should be dead. But they aren’t. They’re both still here. Doesn’t that mean something? They were kind of given a second chance and Bucky doesn’t want to waste this one like he did before he fell off that train.

Right now all Bucky can really think about is the fact that he’s laying here with Steve Rogers, Dumb Ass Extraordinaire, and they’re okay. Steve is okay. He’s safe right now, his heart’s still beating, so Bucky lays his head down on Steve’s chest and listens to the most beautiful sound in the whole god damn world. That steady thumping that makes everything better.

He wants to be with Steve. He’s going to be with Steve. He trusts Steve.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i want to write happy dumb stuff and this was sad for me ;_;


End file.
